No One Dogs the Boys

This is a comedy sketch I wrote last year for a University Revue that never quite happened.

Please note: All characters to be played by women


DAMO scrolls through Instagram on his phone.

JACKO sips a protein shake and lifts a weight.

SPAZ drinks a VB and wears a tshirt that says ‘STRAYAS MOST ORDINARY RIG’. 

DAMO: Amy just posted a pic of herself on insta. She is looking mighty fine if I do say myself. 

JACKO: Perfect opportunity to slide into the DMs.

D: I dunno. Don’t wanna come across creepy.

SPAZ: You won’t, mate. It’s a well know fact that when chicks post a picture of themselves they want a guy to validate their appearance. 

J: That sounds ’bout right.

D: I dunno…

S: Trust me. I read it on LadBible and they really know women. 

D: Aight… Should I just say ‘hey’ or something?

S: Fuck no. You’ll seem like a bloody flog. 

J: gay flog.

S: Just say something along the lines of ‘dammmmn that booty fine girl’ or ‘what that mouth do’

Jacko nods approvingly. 

J: Chill but still hinting you are interested

Damo types this. 

The texts/DM are projected on a screen behind the boys.

He hits send. 

A nervous beat

D: Oh shit! She’s seen it! She’s typing!

They all hold their breath.

The phone buzzes.

D: She says whats up?

J: aww mate! You are so in there!

Damo types again and hits send.

D: I said “chilling with the lads bc Saturdays are for the boys”


The boys then whoop, cheer, yell ‘LADS’ and punching each other extremely hard. They even sing ‘footy, beers, chicks’.

It dies down after a while.

S: Now ask what she doin’

J: Oh shit yeah. Chicks love when you pretend to care about them and shit.

Damo types again.

D: I’ll send a winky face.

S: Niceee.

Damos phone buzzes again. As he reads the message his face falls.

S: What’d she say?

D: “Just talking to some dickhead lol”

A beat.

J: Is she talking to some other bloke as well?

S: Fuck that. Just ask her if she’s on period

Damo furiously types this.

The phone buzzes again.

D: She’s fucking blocked me!

The other two boys mourn the loss. 

J: Well that’s just feminism for ya. Show a bit of interest in a girl and its all delete my number and stop watching me sleep!

S: Tough tits mate. But not a total loss. Chimp said she wouldn’t suck him off first date.

D: Guess so…

A beat.

They are all at loss what to say.

D: No one dogs the boys tho? Gonna send her a rude message on facebook.

The three then begin yelling ‘lads’ and punching each other again.

Fade to black. 


This was intended to be a humorous commentary on how lad culture and how they speak about, ultimately treat women. Let me know your thoughts – was it funny?

One response to “No One Dogs the Boys”

  1. culture captured!


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