No One Dogs the Boys

This is a comedy sketch I wrote last year for a University Revue that never quite happened.

Please note: All characters to be played by women

~

DAMO scrolls through Instagram on his phone.

JACKO sips a protein shake and lifts a weight.

SPAZ drinks a VB and wears a tshirt that says ‘STRAYAS MOST ORDINARY RIG’. 

DAMO: Amy just posted a pic of herself on insta. She is looking mighty fine if I do say myself. 

JACKO: Perfect opportunity to slide into the DMs.

D: I dunno. Don’t wanna come across creepy.

SPAZ: You won’t, mate. It’s a well know fact that when chicks post a picture of themselves they want a guy to validate their appearance. 

J: That sounds ’bout right.

D: I dunno…

S: Trust me. I read it on LadBible and they really know women. 

D: Aight… Should I just say ‘hey’ or something?

S: Fuck no. You’ll seem like a bloody flog. 

J: gay flog.

S: Just say something along the lines of ‘dammmmn that booty fine girl’ or ‘what that mouth do’

Jacko nods approvingly. 

J: Chill but still hinting you are interested

Damo types this. 

The texts/DM are projected on a screen behind the boys.

He hits send. 

A nervous beat

D: Oh shit! She’s seen it! She’s typing!

They all hold their breath.

The phone buzzes.

D: She says whats up?

J: aww mate! You are so in there!

Damo types again and hits send.

D: I said “chilling with the lads bc Saturdays are for the boys”

S: FUCKING OATH!

The boys then whoop, cheer, yell ‘LADS’ and punching each other extremely hard. They even sing ‘footy, beers, chicks’.

It dies down after a while.

S: Now ask what she doin’

J: Oh shit yeah. Chicks love when you pretend to care about them and shit.

Damo types again.

D: I’ll send a winky face.

S: Niceee.

Damos phone buzzes again. As he reads the message his face falls.

S: What’d she say?

D: “Just talking to some dickhead lol”

A beat.

J: Is she talking to some other bloke as well?

S: Fuck that. Just ask her if she’s on period

Damo furiously types this.

The phone buzzes again.

D: She’s fucking blocked me!

The other two boys mourn the loss. 

J: Well that’s just feminism for ya. Show a bit of interest in a girl and its all delete my number and stop watching me sleep!

S: Tough tits mate. But not a total loss. Chimp said she wouldn’t suck him off first date.

D: Guess so…

A beat.

They are all at loss what to say.

D: No one dogs the boys tho? Gonna send her a rude message on facebook.

The three then begin yelling ‘lads’ and punching each other again.

Fade to black. 

~

This was intended to be a humorous commentary on how lad culture and how they speak about, ultimately treat women. Let me know your thoughts – was it funny?

One thought on “No One Dogs the Boys

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